i am afraid

Originally Posted May, 2010


I am afraid.

I have been chasing around this Kettlebell dream since 2004 and as I get closer to where I think I want to be I am confronted with waves of fear and doubt.

In my dreams I can see the tail of the dragon twisting in the darkness and with my sweaty palms and dirty fingernails I know I have to reach out and grab it. It will be the end of this leg of my journey and the start of a fight that I am not sure I can win.

I always believed that you don’t fight because you want to, you don’t fight because you think you can win, you fight because you have to. It is the opponent that is supposed to beat you, the one that the math says will win every time, the one everyone laughs at you, or cries for you, when you stand to fight. That is the opponent worth searching for.

I’m off to Russia on Monday. I’m going to get my head handed to me. I am going to hear all the voices that live inside me “coward”, “weakling”, “loser” telling me to quit. I don’t belong there. I am not good enough.

I have to go.

For the past several years this has been my life. I have looked towards this moment since the first time I picked up a bell. I just can’t believe it is here. I am scared to death. No lockout, no rack, low numbers, I am a disgrace.

I am still going.

This is not a fight I think I can win but it is a fight I will not lose.

My priorities are all out of order. I’m always broke because every dime I make I spend on Kettle. Equipment, travel, education, whatever kettle needs kettle gets. I’ll go to Russia and dig my way out later. I’ll go to South Africa and figure it out when I get back. Japan, whatever, my bills will be there waiting for me when I get home.

I am committed to this. It is my life.

I don’t know what I will be doing when I am 40 or 50 and to be honest I don’t care. All I know is when I am there I will look back at my 30’s with no regret. I will push this until I can no longer push or think or breathe.

I knew the dragon was in that cave before I ever started climbing. I could smell it from the bottom of the mountain.

I know that this fight is the gateway to my next journey. I know I will be exposed.

I am not an expert or a master. This fight is for my rebirth, to be virgin again.

I can hear the sounds of pain and suffering getting closer. I can smell its breath. I know what is up there waiting for me.

I long for it.